Some may be fixed to be funnier. And some may be added in because I totally forgot to do them originally? Woops.
Lily: Hi, remember me?
Xander: Buffy, we’re mad at you for a bunch of reasons and we’ll never forgive you ever.
Zombies: Hi, we’re zombies.
Xander: BUFFY MY BEST FRIEND! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN SWEETHEART DARLING SUGAR PLUM
Buffy: I don’t like Faith. She’s like the little sister I never wanted.
Joyce: Yeah, it’s a good thing you were an only child.
Dawn: I hate both of you.
Buffy: Debbie, did Pete give you that black eye?
Debbie: No, I just walked into a doorknob.
Buffy: And what about those claw marks?
Debbie: It was a very sharp doorknob.
Cordelia: What the hell is a “Slayerfest?”
Buffy: I don’t know, but this mysterious TV in the middle of the woods says “press play.” Seems legit. Let’s watch and find out.
Jigsaw: Hello, Buffy. I’d like to play a game.
Buffy: Oh, motherfucker.
Joyce: Hey, Buffy! I’m feeling awfully adventurous. Why don’t you take the car out for a drive?
Buffy: Wow, mom! That’s so cool of you!
Joyce: But first can you drop me off at Giles’s house? I need to have sex with him a few times.
Faith: Wow, B. I’m so sorry I tried to kill your boyfriend.
Buffy: It’s totally cool.
Faith: Hey, let’s never fight again. Ever. Deal?
Drusilla: Spike, I’m breaking up with you mostly because fairies told me that east is west and west is cheese.
Spike: What?! Bloody hell, what the bloody hell am I supposed to bloody do now? Bloody hell!
Drusilla: Lady bugs with their wings torn off and little cupcakes made out of reindeer fur.
[This is what I hear when those two have a conversation.]
Anya: I’m a vengeance demon and I will grant you any wish you desire!
Cordelia: Fine, I wish for a million wishes.
Anya: That’s… That’s not how this works.
Cordelia: Then I suppose I just wish that the only girl that could ever protect us would go away. A lot. So that I can die.
Anya: …I think that you don’t understand what wishes are for.
The First: I am scarier than you could possibly imagine. I am the FIRST evil. I am what darkness fears.
The First: Wh-… what?
Buffy: Why would darkness fear you? All you can do is make yourself look like people that already died. You can’t even attack people. You’re like a less harmful version of a zombie.
The First: Well you don’t have to be so mean about it.
Willow: How are we ever going to escape?
Buffy: Don’t worry, I’ll use my slayer strength to break us out.
Amy: That’s a horrible idea. I’ll just turn myself into a rat with no plan of how to ever turn myself back. Then we’ll all be good.
Buffy: Wow, that totally solves all of our problems!
[No. It doesn’t.]
Buffy: Someone say something about a test?
Quentin: Yes. You’re going to have your slayer powers stripped from you, and then you’re going to be locked in a room with a mentally insane vampire. Your test will be a fight to the death.
Buffy: …So is it multiple choice or?
Xander: So… what’s this episode about again?
Faith: I don’t know. Want to have sex?
Xander: Sounds like a plan!
[Seriously though, does anyone remember what this episode was about?]
Buffy: Don’t you think it’s weird how everyone thinks we’re dating?
Faith: Totally weird, right? Now let’s go make out and then have sex and then maybe kill someone.
Buffy: Wait, what was that last one?
Faith: Have sex?
Buffy: Oh. Well in that case I’m in.
Faith: Wow, I really would like to kill someone right about now.
Angel: HEY! Killing people is wrong.
Faith: …Aren’t you a vampire?
Angel: Oh. Right.
Willow: You seem kind of like a lesbian.
Vamp Willow: I am a lesbian.
Willow: Oh. Well that makes sense. But wait… if you’re me… and I’m you… and you’re a lesbian… and you’re who I am… and I’m technically you…
Vamp Willow: …Yes?
Willow: Hold on, I’m thinking.
Vamp Willow: Take your time.
Buffy: Looks like we’re at a stand still. I’ve got a knife to your throat and you’ve got one to mine.
Faith: You would never stab me. Not in a million years. Not in a billion years!
Buffy: You’re right. I guess for now we’ll just have to settle for a homoerotic kiss on the forehead.
Faith: If we must.
Buffy: Jonathan! You can’t gun down the student body from this clock tower that just so happens to be in the middle of a high school for no reason. It would be wrong!
Jonathan: Don’t worry, I’m not going to.
Buffy: Oh thank goodness. I guess you’re a good guy after all and totally not an evil genius that will someday try to kill me and my friends.
Jonathan: Yeah, that would be ridiculous.
Buffy: How goes the witchery, Willow?
Willow: Really great! I’ve definitely advanced ever since I cast that incredibly powerful curse that healed your boyfriend vampire and turned him back into a champion for all that is good.
Willow: Yeah. Now I can float pencils!
Buffy: Nobody tries to ruin my prom and gets away with it.
Tucker: Oh yeah? What’re you gonna do, kill me?
Buffy: Worse. We’ll make your little brother a main character later on in the series. And no one will even remember your name.
Buffy: Faith, what did you just do?!
Faith: I’ve poisoned Angel! It’s ingenious, really. Not only is the poison slowly killing your boyfriend, but the only cure is for him to drain a Slayer’s blood completely. And we all know that there’s only one of those and you-… Oh. Wait… Shit.
Buffy: You didn’t really think this through did you?
Faith: I did not.
Buffy: You know, of all the things that I’ve had to live through, I think the hardest was that whole “Buffy set the school on fire” thing. But after three years, I really think people are starting to let it go, and I can move on with my life.
Giles: Oh, Buffy! I’ve finally figured out a way for you to kill the Mayor. You’ve got to blow up the school.
Buffy: …Of course I do.